A Catholic was explaining to a Unitarian Universalist friend how dogma was formulated in the Catholic Church. "First it is debated by the Church authorities. Then, when the debate is ended, whatever was decided upon is declared dogma by the Pope."

"It's pretty much the same with us," said the Unitarian Universalist.

"I thought you didn't have dogma?"

"That's because no debate among Unitarian Universalists ever ends!"

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry, we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry, we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

有人说英语里的Complete和Finish是一个意思，韦伯斯特老师反驳道：

你娶了正确的人，You are complete；

你娶了错误的人，You are finished；

你娶了正确的人，但却和错误的人偷欢，还被逮了，You are completely finished。

Tom: I used to shoot tigers in Africa.

Jack: Nonsense! There are no tigers in Africa.

Tom: Right you are. I shoot them all!

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia.

Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him.

The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again.

The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue.

The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial which went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.

Here's what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Schoolboy: Excuse me, Miss, I'm calling just to tell you I can't go to school today.

Teacher: Why? What's wrong?

Schoolboy: I don't feel well.

Teacher: Where do you feel trouble?

Schoolboy: In the classroom.

The doorbell rang and Mrs. Carson opened the front door. Her heart sank when she saw Mrs. Burbidge. Whenever Mrs. Burbidge called, she stayed for hours and hours.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Carson," Mrs. Burbidge said, "I was just passing, and I thought I'd drop in to say hello."

"How very thoughtful of you," Mrs. Carson replied. "Do come in."

Just as Mrs. Carson had feared, Mrs. Burbidge stayed for several hours. It was nearly six o'clock, and Mr. Carson would be home from work soon. He couldn't stand Mrs. Burbidge. So Mrs. Carson kept wondering how she could persuade Mrs. Burbidge to leave without offending her.

"Has your husband come home from work yet?" Mrs. Carson asked.

"Oh, yes," Mrs. Burbidge answered. "He always gets home about five o'clock."

"It's nearly six o'clock. Won't he be getting worried about you?" Mrs. Carson said.

"I thought of that," Mrs. Burbidge said, "but it's so pleasant here. We've had such a lovely afternoon. You know what I'll do? I'll ring up my husband and tell him to come here, too. May I use your phone please?"

A woman had been very faithful in attending all her church's services for many years, and the minister wanted to reward her. At the next Sunday-evening service he announced, “For her loyalty to the church, we shall reward Miss Jones by letting her pick three hymns for the evening.”

“Oh, goody!” exclaimed Miss Jones. And, pointing to various members in the congregation, she said, “I'll take him and him”.

Before Mother's Day, the students were discussing how to make their mothers happy. At last they found there was only one thing they could do. That was not to take their school reports home.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."

Joe the lawyer died suddenly at the age of 45.

He got to the gates of Heaven.

The angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

"Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."

"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retorted, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over sixty years!"